Extract 54447

In 1477, Toronto ironically buried a body in Bury. Bury, as you know, is famous for nothing, and anybody from there or the Greater Manchester area is known as 'scum'.

After burying the body begrudgingly, Toronto accidentally fell into another one of his dug-out pits, and apparently died in a compost heap.

Extract T-2

Toronto McK has no affiliations with the city of Toronto. Any likeness and similarities are purely coincidental and intentional. Toronto McK was here before the Canadian city and this can easily be proved*. All rights reserved.

*No actual proof. Please contact Angelika Kausneé for more details.

Extract HLW

At Halloween (the celebration, not the movie franchise with the killer Michael Myers, who he is scared of), Toronto dresses up as an assortment of all sorts and parades around town singing songs of mime.

Extract 73

Toronto McK is a non-fictional character from some franchise. He was apparently born but this has never been fully confirmed, and apparently did die at some time or another. On Wednesdays, he likes to write gift tags for Christmas presents, cycle around his home, and boil kettles to ultimately pour over himself in non-existent rage.

Extract 0000003

During his mid-20s, Toronto decided to start writing an autobiography. However, when deciding what hand to use to write page 14 with, he sprained both wrists, and stabbed himself in the eye with a very fine biro. He was late assumed dead from ink poisoning.

Extract 555

After ordering the incorrect colour for his new armchair, Toronto covered himself in the desired colour and burnt to death from mustard poisoning.

Extract 43874276

Toronto once went to the shop for homemade lemonade.

Extract 200

During a mass outbreak of snow in the Serengeti in 1991, Toronto developed a crush on a loner desert owl called Melanie. However, due to Toronto's lustrous ways, Melanie caught him having intercourse with an antelope called Shanelle, and in a moment of rage pecked him to death and hung him from a tree.

Extract ALC00

Not so long ago, Toronto was a born-again alcoholic. As you know, born-again alcoholics are previously sober people who decide that there's no point in holding back, so they drink 57% volume alcohol with breakfast, lunch and dinner.

When drinking a fine 1947 Merlot vodka cocktail with his ham shank avocado mustard pot, Toronto developed alcohol poisoning and collapsed into his chair, assumed dead for 51 years.

Extract 0041

Seven years after his misogynistic attack on women, Toronto fell in love with a member of The Women's Institute. During a round of tea and scones, an angry anonymous attacker poisoned his food and pronounced him dead.

Extract 61

At the wedding of Karla St Saint and Carla Ms Miss, Toronto announced to the family he was an osexual. Osexuals are human beings who have fondness for the letter O. These can often be confused with 0sexuals, who are more inclined to numbers and such like. His family were not happy and decided that maybe possibly he should go home without tea. A year later, Toronto was attacked by an army of osexuals, confusing him for the number kind. He fought back and then was pronounced dead, or so we think.

Extract XX1

An avid fan of the 'Neo Afro-fox Wave’ music movement of 1977, Toronto McK once shaved 14 sides of his hair to look like his then idol Courteney Ant VII. Despite the irregular occurrences of regrowth, it was assumed, both wrongly and rightly, that Toronto committed suicide not long after.

Extract 5B

In the middle of an unknown century, Toronto decided to write a note to himself. The note contained scribbles of what had happened to him the night just before. A woman, with half her face coming off, had yelled at him from down the street. "Look at what a treat I look. Look at how much a treat I am”. Treats, ha! She didn't look like any form of treats he'd even seen. His note said: if you read this note then it looks like I've wrote it... Or written it. So Be. So Be. However, he suffered a paper cut and bled to death.

Extract 99

In 1964, during the Speke Eastern Massacre, seven people were presumed alive. The same seven people were also announced dead on the other side of town, but East and West did not speak to one another, and this rivalry caused lies. Amidst the carnage, Toronto was on a train journey from Sprint Corn to Vishnalla Village, and was worried that due to tomorrow being Sunday and yesterday being Saturday, he didn't know what day it was and whether or not, amongst the weather, he was on the right train. "Next stop: stop two on the journey". That was very unhelpful, and Toronto decided to speak to the train ticket maker about this awfully ambiguous announcement (alliteration, alliteration). Seven minutes passed and the train stopped. Toronto's ticket was found in the fourth cabin, but there was no sign of his body. The train is still stopped at Sprint Corn Station, where it never left, and police are still trying to find his body…

Extract 008

Toronto's sister was a misogynistic bastard. Alas, this caused problems at family meals and such like, and in 1407, during her birthday celebrations, Toronto decided to blow a balloon so big that it blew up in his sister's face, killing her and making her dead. A year later she came back to haunt Toronto but spent years trying to find him. He was assumed to be climbing Mount McKinley, but was also assumed to be digging a tunnel from Romford to Cumbria; she never did see him again.

Extract 42

On Wednesdays, Toronto would sit alone in a corner with a mug of blood, drip, drip. It's here that he became rapidly obsessed with housewives and housemen, as well as just plain houses. He decided the plural of a house should be hice and not houses. His obsession led him to try to build his own house, but it crumbled on him, squashing his already lifeless body.

Extract 2095.23

14 years after his exile but 11 years before his death, and not the week after his 12th anniversary (possibly 1939, but who knows?), Toronto McK caught the flu. After claiming the £15.00 reward for catching him, he treated his aux pairs to a pair of pears. He got the pears from a young girl who had stolen them from some evil trees who tried to hug her. It was a bargain as well, at £1.23 per pair of pears. Toronto brought the pear phenomenon or 'Pearnomenon' into the swinging 40s or lethargic 50s (again, who knows?), and 13 years before this happened he fell on a rock and was never found again.

Extract 26.01.91

In an old village in Northwestonhamshire, Toronto met a young fellow. They developed a relationship of some sorts, though never confirmed nor denied, and it was suggested that Toronto had tried to strangle him during a sexual encounter. However, during the act of strangulation, Toronto tripped on the rope and hung himself, or so we're told. 

Extract X13

Toronto was born during a late summer’s night in November. As you can imagine, the tension was tight and the air was cool with the smell of lavender.It took him four weeks before he learned how to walk and talk. The local constituency were outraged at this and ordered for his death. He avoided this for two days by hiding in the recycling bin of his neighbour, Mrs Horshamley. Before his 1st birthday as a child, he sailed to the Pennines and is still assumed to be lost at sea.

Extract 43

Despite what the naysayers don't say, saying is believing, and believing is saying, but Toronto always had a fondness for the naysayers' sayings. However, during a midnight mass on Ambrose Lane, he dared to say what the naysayers once did not say, thus causing a sudden heart attack and Toronto's apparent death.